Have you ever gotten into one of those heated discussions where the only goal ended up being who could shout over the other more effectively? Do those types of arguments ever end up changing anyone’s opinion? Nope. The only results are usually vocal strain and burned relationships.

This website is dedicated to promoting civil dialog between disagreeing parties through the use of conversational shifts. Remember, conversational shifts are techniques that you can use throughout a conversation or a number of conversations to gradually prompt understanding and opinion changes. Remember also that conversational shifts are treated in these articles as techniques used between individuals or small groups. In reality, the same ideas and skills that can help disagreeing individuals get along can also be used on a national and even global scale to prompt stronger relationships between different political parties, social groups and even countries.

One of the easiest and most powerful conversational shift techniques has nothing to do with words or talking. It is simply to listen to what the other side is saying.

When another person announces political or social beliefs that differ from yours, your first instinct is to probably start refuting everything that they say. Your defenses are up, and so are the other persons’. Neither of you are in a position to hear what the other is saying or to even consider the merits of their arguments.

Consider this example:

Person One: Did you hear in the news today? It’s the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I can’t believe our country legally condones the murder of unborn children.

Person Two: So you think women shouldn’t be able to decide how to manage their own bodies? An embryo is nothing more than a ball of unfeeling, unthinking cells. You probably don’t believe in stem cell research either; that real people with terrible diseases should suffer while stem cells are just thrown away in the trash.

Are these two people ever going to find common ground the way they are going? No. It’s obvious that the rhetoric is just going to get more and more heated until both parties become even more entrenched on their separate sides of the issue.

Now consider this example when Person Two decides to listen to what Person One is really trying to say:

Person One: Did you hear in the news today? It’s the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I can’t believe our country legally condones the murder of unborn children.

Person Two: I hear what you’re saying. Though I don’t necessarily agree that abortion automatically equates to murder, I’m interested in how you came to your opinion.

Can you see the shift that has already taken place in the tone and direction of the argument? Do you think Person Two’s respectful tone and clear interest in listening to Person One’s opinion will put Person One at ease? Certainly!

By listening to what the other side has to say, you can create an open, understanding environment. In this space, the other side will be much more willing to hear your opinion and to consider the things you have to say about the topic or topics under discussion. Rather than being a no-holds-bar argument that wins no converts, strong listening skills foster the exchange of ideas and the consideration of alternative viewpoints. Even if your opponent doesn’t change her mind, she will be much more aware and more considerate of the other sides’ arguments. That is a big step and demonstrates the power of conversational shifts.

To improve your listening skills, try a these exercises:

1.     Make a list of the things that turn you off in an argument. Common turnoffs include:

• Finger pointing
• Insults
• Personal attacks
• Blame
• Pontification
• Exclusion
• Attacking the other side’s cherished beliefs
• Attacking the other side’s cherished leaders
• Demonizing the other side
• Excluding the other side
• Cutting off the other side
• Dismissing the other side’s arguments, etc…

2.    Read back through you list and consider if you are ever guilty of any of these actions.

3.    Now, make a list of the things that promote understanding and bring a positive energy into a conversation; the things you wish the other side would do. Example are:

• Showing genuine interest
• Showing respect
• Trying to find common ground
• Listening to what the other side has to say
• Asking thoughtful questions, etc…

4.    Read through your list and make sure you use these techniques in your next conversation.

You can’t expect the other side to listen to what you have to say if you don’t first open your own ears.